Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Ashram - Day 1

Delora and friends arrive at the Ashram, a beautiful house rented from Richard Branson's ex-wife, near the port of Soller (in Mallorca) at around 1 pm.  Smiling thirty-something hunks greet the guests.  They'll be running the program this week.

Luckily, Delora and friends have ingested jamon paninis at the airport, since there is nothing resembling lunch here.  Guests are encouraged to hang by the pool until it's time for them to weigh in.  Delora meets some of the other guests, then it's her turn to step on the scale.  Normally, Delora would strip down to nothing to be weighed, but in front of these two Ashram Gurus, BEFORE the Ashram program has transformed her into a supermodel? Awkward! She'll just keep her clothes on, thank you very much.  The cutest guru weighs and measures every possible area capable of holding Delora's fat, recording the details carefully, then tells her to get changed for a short hike.

Delora and her new Ashram comrades take to the hills with poles and backpacks filled with water.  Delora has purchased a "camelback" for this week of hiking, and has chosen a zip-front model with a medium sized "bladder" to hold water.  Delora's own bladder, the one inside her body, is full before she even hits the hills, but Delora doesn't know these new friends well enough to drop trow yet.  The group will hike steep mountains with loose stone pathways and use the poles for balance.  Delora has been warned about this first hike by Delora's sister who was almost "man down" on day one when she completed this program a couple of years ago. They call it a short hike, where short equals the hardest hike you've ever taken in your life.  Delora feels strong and lets her Alpha dog run out in the front of the pack at first.  Soon the Alpha dog is so tired, that Delora is grateful to be walking her beta bitch in the middle of the pack.

Later, the group sits in a circle as each person tells a little something about themselves.  Each is asked why they have come to the Ashram.  Delora refrains from saying that she's come to look like a supermodel and instead says that she's here to get fit.  The Ashram promotes a diet free from caffeine, sugar, artificial sweeteners, meat, seafood, poultry, dairy, flour, fat. Delora wonders what's left, then realizes that the only food groups remaining are fruit, vegetables and soy products (is soy a food group?)  Delora focuses on a lecture about detoxing the body from bad substances, but obsesses over how quickly she can get to the Zone bars hidden in her lingerie bag.  Apparently, Delora's face gives her away, because the Cute Guru looks straight at Delora and says that anyone who brought bars, or other forbidden foods to the Ashram isn't doing anything to help their detox.  Delora keeps a straight face and nods in agreement until she can lock herself into her bathroom and choke down bar #1(chocolate coconut) and bar #2 (yogurt) before her 8:30 PM bed time.


Mental P Mama said...

Ummm. You forgot alcohol. My favorite food group. I guess sugar is included in that....and you look awesome!!! I want to go now. Maybe.

SleepTalker said...

Legumes, fruit and soy. Oh Boy! You are a brave soul.

Amaya said...

Love to see you blogging again. I missed you!!!!!
Will I recognize you in your new super model body???

Maria said...

I want to see the supermodel shots! Maybe it will inspire me to go for a 3 mile run????

Chip said...

You don't need the Ashram baby. You have always been a supermodel.
She has also stuck with MANY parts of the program!