Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Delora blogs again ... from the Ashram

Delora decides to overcome 9 months of excessive jamon intake and negate her recently acquired bad Spanish habits by spending one week at the Ashram in Mallorca.  Usually located in Calabasas, California, twice a year The Ashram comes to Mallorca, Spain to change the scenery a bit and kick some serious culo.  How bad can things be at a place that looks like this?

Mallorca, Spain

This is the same program countless actresses and Sports Illustrated models endure each year to lose those extra pounds the week before an important shoot.  It's with this image, in Delora's mind's eye, of a Sports Illustrated Model body with Delora's head soldered on top, that convinces her to pay good money to share a room, rise at 5 am, do an hour of yoga, eat 2 TBS of Museli and a disgusting soy yogurt, hike for FIVE hours, eat a green salad, do another hour of exercise (weights anyone?) followed by a final hour of yoga, inhale some steamed veggies mistakenly called "dinner", and drop like a stone into bed at 8:30 pm.
But with summer approaching and a layer of fat on Delora's backside shaped like this:

Delora realizes that no program is too radical.

The night before Delora leaves for Mallorca she decides to read the not so fine print on her Ashram email.  Delora exhales an expletive when she realizes that she was supposed to be detoxing for the past two weeks.  Luckily Delora doesn't have too many bad habits, but she does have one very, very serious Earl Grey habit (with Splenda) that she enjoys and plans to keep.  Furtively, she stashes the teabags and the banned artificial sweetener in her suitcase and, just in case she's on the verge of death, adds 8 Zone bars.

At the last supper before she ships out, where sake and champagne are consumed along with healthy Japanese delicacies, Delora asks her friend C. about her experience at the Ashram at few years ago:

"I lost alot of weight," she admits, "but I decided that paying money to sleep on a lumpy bunk bed with a stranger beneath me while I was starving, wasn't exactly something I wanted to try again."

Delora is going to the Ashram with two friends from Madrid, so at least she won't have a stranger in the next bed.  Delora finishes her glass of champagne and hopes for the best...


Mental P Mama said...

Delora did just fine. Now let's go have some jambon.

Maria said...

So glad to have you back! Did the Ashram guards find your stash?

Jayne said...

I'd smuggle, too; that's if I were actually brave enough to sweat (and starve) it out for a week- which I am not.
Glad to see you publishing here again!

Sue Sue said...

Can't IMAGINE what it was like to do THAT much exercise with THAT little food!!! They say the acorn never falls far from the tree but I think you definitely have! Great job. I'm so glad you're back"on blog"! XX00

Gilman said...

Not only is it nice to have her back on line but home from the Ashram. To all, SHE LOOKS BETTER THAN EVER (hard to imagine)!

Jim said...

Welcome back! Missed your writing :)

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